Posted by
Andrews on Tuesday, August 05, 2008 5:43:41 PM
I was watching cartoons with my son when I saw an episode of
Little Bill where Little Bill's father described his job by telling the story of "The Three Little Pigs and the Housing Inspector." It inspired me to start thinking about political questions in terms of fairy tales, and so I present:
The Two Little Pigs and the CSPI Activist
Once upon a time there lived two little pigs and a CSPI activist. He didn't have a home, so every night he would visit either the little pig in the straw house, or the one in the wood house, and ask if he could sleep there. When they would ask him why he didn't have a home, he would explain that no building materials were safe.
"What about straw?", said the pig who lived in a straw house.
"No, mold spores. Very deadly."
"How about wood?" said the pig who lived in a wooden house.
"Do you know the chemicals they use to treat wood? Not to mention the toluene emitted by termites..."
"Well, how about bricks? Or granite?" both pigs would ask.
The CSPI activist would shake his head and sigh. "The sand in mortar gives you silicosis, and some granite has been shown to be a strong radon emitter."
The pigs would think about this for a while, until one would ask "Then how can you sleep in our houses? Aren't they dangerous too?"
But by that time the CSPI activist was always sound asleep.
One day, a big bad wolf came to the little clearing where the pigs and activist lived. He was looking for a meal.
First he went to the house made of straw.
"Little pig, little pig, let me come in..."
"Not by the hair of my chinny chin chin."
"Then I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your house in."
And, sure enough, he did just that. The little pig, pulling himself form the debris, ran to the house made of wood.
The wolf followed, and the process repeated itself.
And so the two pigs ran to the rally being held by the CSPI activist.
The Big Bad Wolf, a bit puzzled, looked at the two pigs and the activist. "No house of brick?" (He had done this before.)
The pigs shook their heads and muttered about silicosis.
"Well, then this is going to be easy. I just have to decide whether it is pig or person first..."
The CSPI activist cleared his throat. "You do know that both pigs and humans are high in transfats and thus a primary cause of fatal cardiac conditions, don't you?"
The wolf shook his head. "You don't say." His face began to show his second thoughts. He started to turn around, when an idea struck him "Wait a minute! Didn't you also tell that story about Olestra? And about Nutrasweet causing cancer?" He smiled. "And wasn't Alar supposed to have killed me long ago?" (He did love an apple with his pig.) "You know, I think I may very well just risk those transfats."
The pigs were actually a bit tired of their freeloading chum, tired of the way he told them alcohol caused liver damage before helping them "dispose" of their beer, and the way he warned them about processed sugars before helping them "throw away" all their sweets. So, without a moment's hesitation, they turned to the wolf and smiled. "You know," they said in unison, "people
are the other other white meat..."
And as they walked slowly away, chatting amiably about the relative merits of brick and granite, all they heard behind them were some short, almost inaudible complaints. "I'm allergic to animal dander..." Then nothing but the sound of gnawing and slurping.
The moral of the story? While unsubstantiated claims may let you put one over on some pigs, once a real wolf shows up, you're the first to go. Let's hope some Obamaniacs take this to heart the next time their hero talks about trying to chat our way to peace.
UPDATE
When I wrote this I forgot that not everyone shares my endless disdain for the Center for Science in the Public Interest, so not everyone knows about CSPI. As I explained in my comments, they were the first champions in the anti-transfat campaign. They were the people telling us how unhealthy Chinese take out was, how bad movie popcorn popped in palm oil was, and, in general, setting the food nazi agenda since the late 80's or early 90's.
Here are three articles I wrote on them, one of which contains a number of links to other sites decrying their excesses.
If They Were Serious
Transfats?
Nerf World
Also,
junkscience.com, much reviled by eco-fearmongers and food nazis everywhere, hosts the essay "
False Alarm" detailing almost 100 false scares authored by CSPI.
Bon appetit.